“OK. The big issue. To ward off a mass uprising, my government will gradually arrange for a few citizens to acquire slightly more affordable residential accommodation in the coming years, though these will be pretty nasty apartments, and the underlying aim will still be to channel most people into the arms of the property cartel eventually.
“To help dampen public hostility towards these often-misunderstood real-estate tycoons, we will symbolically clamp down on a few of their more egregious scams and rip-offs; we will also provide a high-profile opportunity for them to pose as great philanthropists by donating a slice of their obscene profits to a new bureaucrat-run fund to supply relief to the infirm and elderly deserving poor in our more wretched parishes.
“But wait! There’s more! To enable school textbook publishers to continue gouging parents by printing endless and pointless new editions, we will go on tossing a few bucks around so families on the breadline can afford the things; to spare employers the burden of paying such people enough to get to work, we will throw in some bus subsidies too.
“As always, we really love the Motherland and are getting really excited about the next Five-Year Plan and are considering various measures with relevant departments and authorities to continue increasing, facilitating and enabling yet more cooperation, partnership and win-win mutual benefits across the border. I mean ‘boundary’.
“Turning to paragraph 113, I am delighted to report the air is getting cleaner every day, and it’s now at the stage where you can hardly find any sulphur dioxide, suspended particulates or nitrogen dioxide even if you want them, though it’s still a bit fuggy at the roadside occasionally.
“I’ve never mentioned cats before in a policy address. No-one has. There – I’ve done it. First time since 1842!
“Thank you for your attention.”