And… action!

Not for the first time, a production company asks to rent my apartment to shoot a film in. They need a ‘distinctive home’ and have determined that mine would do nicely. It must be the illegal structure.

The movie is ‘tentatively named’ Back to the Future – presumably not a re-make of the slightly less-than-averagely lame Hollywood time-travel flick from years back. Top of the bill of three stars is the hunky heartthrob Donnie Yen. Hong Kong cinema might not be able to think up an original title, but it beats Hollywood hands down when it comes to blending creativity with bad taste; watch him destroy a urinal with a bad guy. Next, we have manly and intense Simon Yam, who appears in such intellectual epics as Raped by an Angel (aka Naked Killer) and Bullet in the Head. And then there’s Eva Huang Shengyi, a Shanghainese all-purpose, sultry, leggy enchantress who does slushy romantic costume dramas and is the fantasy of spotty inadequates who have outgrown the cutiepie retarded schoolgirl thing.

The plot? Eva Huang comes down to Hong Kong to buy large quantities of baby milk formula and Yakult. She is kidnapped by Simon Yam, who has been driven insane by the influx of shoppers from Shenzhen. He takes her to his secret lair (my place) to tie her to the four-poster bed and perform multiple depraved and evil acts upon her. Just as he is about to do something unspeakable with a Hello Kitty electric toothbrush, Donnie Yen – a secret agent for the People’s Liberation Army’s Suppression of Hong Kong Nativism Unit – crashes through the window from a helicopter and beats Yam to death against various bathroom fittings, thus qualifying the work for Mainland distribution rights.

Of course, the company might just be manufacturers of creepy sleazy porn pretending to employ these illustrious actors as a ploy to use my ‘distinctive home’ as a location. But if that were the case, surely KoKo the earnest-sounding Production Assistant would just rent a pay-by-the-hour hotel room. They want my leather-upholstery, tiger-skin rugs, lava lamps and chandeliers for something classy. I will demand an elegant life-size signed photo of the gorgeous, pouting Eva as proof.

On the subject of the anti-locust struggle, defenders of Sheung Shui are buying ads on the sides of KMB buses. KMB is, of course, a subsidiary of Sun Hung Kai Properties, a cornerstone of Hong Kong’s real-estate cartel and a major landlord with a portfolio that includes sprawling shopping malls catering largely, these days, to Mainlanders – and its bosses, like Walter Kwok, are obedient pro-Beijing types who are always ready to recite the latest United Front line warning Hong Kong that defiance will mean doom. So someone slipped up in letting these politically incorrect ads appear, and maybe we will now see them yanked in a panicky pre-emptive cringe, which will of course give them even more publicity and heighten all those negative nativist vibes out there. And so the fun continues.

Cut!

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10 Responses to And… action!

  1. maugrim says:

    “He takes her to his secret lair (my place) to tie her to the four-poster bed and perform multiple depraved and evil acts upon her. Just as he is about to do something unspeakable with a Hello Kitty electric toothbrush” Funny where they just knew where to film that. I’d be pointing the finger at your neighbours, it seems filming won’t bother them, they are used to the nise anyway.

  2. gweiloeye says:

    What no mirrored ceilings for that added extra “look”?

    And in breaking news the Big Lychee is in the news for the wrong reasons:
    http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/food/choose-your-font-wisely-everyone-thinks-this-pepsi-ad-says-8216rape8217/story-fneuz92c-1226725967650

  3. Cerebos says:

    I say go for it. They made a large part of that classic “33D Invader” in my humble little abode. Breasts galore. http://youtu.be/3B_QSludJUs

  4. Gumshoe says:

    I would gladly support the local film industry if it returned to the glory days of Shaw Brothers grindhouse flicks, Chow Yun Fat, Simon Yam, and Anthony Wong action fests. I’ll take good action exploitation over sappy love(-sucks) stories written as cheap vehicles for whatever no-talent star the industry is trying to shove down locals’ throats any day.

  5. Aghast says:

    Nice use of the word ‘retrocede’ there

  6. Real Sex Player says:

    I would happily rent my modest apartment for free in exchange for a night with Eva Huang Shengyi (preferably without the milk )

  7. Doc Brown says:

    slightly less-than-averagely lame? It’s a great film! A great great great great film! A classic of the genre! Were you never young?

  8. Real Scot Player says:

    While Hemlock is a very solid piece of the Hong Kong chattering classes every now and again he posts something terribly nouveau.

  9. Joe Blow says:

    That girl in the Mao-suit looks like she is asking for it. She can Long March with me as much she likes. I’ve always had the revolutionary spirit.

  10. Gin Soaked Boy says:

    I’m with Doc Brown. It’s a classic.

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