Pest-control update

Certain news stories crop up over and over. A young bearded Belgian guy cycling around the world has reached the Tsimshatsui waterfront. The Japanese have invented a human-looking robot that polishes salarymen’s golf clubs. Some unhinged loser in the US has walked into a public place and shot a load of innocent bystanders. This week’s Indonesian ferry disaster was off [insert name of island].

In Hong Kong, someone has had it up to here with barking, defecating animals, decided to do something about it, and the local anthropomorphic community is now weeping as if over deceased children. For some reason, this story – normally a South China Morning Post standby on a slow day – appears in China Daily. Maybe the propagandists want to take our minds off the embarrassing juxtaposition of a democratic Presidential election in the US and the secret rituals ushering in a new leadership in Beijing. (It is the SCMP that goes all arcane-Mainland on us, solemnly reporting that “General Liu Yuan, the political commissar of the People’s Liberation Army’s General Logistics Department, has failed to retain his membership of the presidium of the Communist Party’s national congress.” What can we say? Poor old General Liu.)

The ‘silent serial-killer’ action takes place on Lamma, and the victims are dispatched with the herbicide paraquat. One of the bereaved comments: “Maybe it is someone who doesn’t like … the mess [dogs] leave.” But maybe that’s what the perpetrator wants you to think. Maybe he is really one of the millions who adore dog shit smeared all over the place. Another, who doesn’t seem to get the hint, has lost three canines. One supporter of the rights of dogs to rule over men reluctantly concedes that the beasts can be a ‘nuisance’ and “roam free and … make a mess everywhere and run across people’s vegetables, ruining their produce,” but blames irresponsible owners.

Let’s do an experiment. Take one of these irresponsible owners and feed him enough paraquat to kill him. Then stand back and see if the dog continues to bark, go poo-poo and wreck people’s property. If, as I suspect, it does, the ‘blame the owner’ theory can be laid to rest. It is the dog that is the problem. This is what dogs are and it is what they do.

Humans do not walk around leaving excrement and urine on the sidewalk. They do not frighten small children. They do not make sharp, repetitive, ear-splitting noises in the apartment just above yours at all hours. So why has someone brought a life form that does do these things into our midst? Dog owners who insist on living among non-dog-owners are imposing upon everyone else. Humans do not have a duty to accommodate the noise and mess. Most people suffer in silence, but eventually someone will snap. They have a right to defend their vegetables, not to mention their sanity. The answer is: either dog owners should live well apart from quiet and clean society (or organize an all-doggy condo), or do as the rest of us do and get by without a furry, yappy pack animal leaping excitedly around all the time and being one of the family.

I am sure Bowen Road residents are demanding extra police patrols as we speak.

Come back Lau Nai-keung, all is forgiven – yes, that is a tasteful skull and crossbones China Daily have put its eye…

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22 Responses to Pest-control update

  1. White Fang says:

    A village friend had to endure his upstairs neighbour’s two dogs climbing out of the window and crapping on his roof, which happened to be over his kitchen. The neighbour then helpfully used a hosepipe to spray off the dog shit, leaving excrement flavoured sludge dripping into the kitchen.

    Forget universal suffrage. I would vote for one dog, one generous helping of paraquat.

  2. Trog says:

    Er, Hemlock. It did appear in the SCMP. Two weeks ago.

  3. Real (dog)shit hater says:

    This reminds me of the story of Paddy and the neighbor’s dog which was always left out in the garden and barked all night.

    One night Paddy had enough so he got up , went outside and came back a few minutes later.

    When his wife asked what he had done, Paddy said:

    “I moved the dog into our garden. Let’s see what our neighbor thinks now that he has to live next door to someone with a dog barking in the garden”.

    I can only assume that people who let their dogs shit all over the place like stepping in dog shit themselves

    PS: Was it a Freudian slip on the part of Hemlock that the China Daily serial killer link takes us back to the SCMP story of the hapless General Liu ( or was it a mixed language pun, ‘liu’ being Cantonese for pee) ?

  4. Sir Crispin says:

    “Humans do not walk around leaving excrement and urine on the sidewalk. . . . They do not make sharp, repetitive, ear-splitting noises in the apartment just above yours at all hours.”

    Really, you’ve never seen the pix of mainlanders squatting on the sidewalk? Or heard them playing mah-jong at 3am?

  5. Jonathan Stanley says:

    Sir Crispin… see what you did there?

  6. Big Al says:

    Many years ago on a delightful trip to Manila, I was taking an evening stroll along the picturesque bank of the fragrant Pasig River. My young companion pointed out, with a giggle, the rows of turds on top of the riverbank wall. My immediate thought was “how do they train the dogs to climb onto the wall and take a crap?”. It was only later, much later, that I realised to my horror that it wasn’t the dogs who were responsible …

    … still, since it was in the great outdoors, it was probably more hygienic than those old public toilets they used(?) to have in Guangzhou. The ones with 2 ft high “walls” separating everyone squatting over a tiled communal drain that meandered through a large and inadequately ventilated room. It was ALWAYS best to be at the top end of the drain rather than at bottom end, where occasional log jams (excuse the pun) often required immediate evacuation (as in waddling away very fast) lest one wanted to be ankle deep in excrement. Oh, happy days …

  7. Tiu Fu Fong says:

    That’s a really cute looking dog! Looks like some sort of samoyed breed. A little shorter in the snout than your average tong gau and a bit more fur.

  8. Sir Crispin says:

    Pointed out the obvious, Jonathan. 🙂

  9. Probably says:

    “Humans do not walk around leaving excrement and urine on the sidewalk. They do not frighten small children. They do not make sharp, repetitive, ear-splitting noises in the apartment just above yours at all hours.”

    Have you never visited Wanchai?

  10. Real Tax Payer says:

    @ Big Al

    I once knew a guy who dropped his wallet ( containing his passport) into one of those old -style Chinese public squat toilets while he was having a crap.

    Now that’s a dilemma if ever there was one !

  11. Ramerkang says:

    Absolute crap! Of course it’s the owners’ fault. A responsible owner clears up after the dog and shuts it up if it makes too much noise. And if it is making too much noise it’s probably because it isn’t being properly looked after.

  12. Chimp says:

    I quite agree. The poor wee beasties aren’t to blame. It’s the owners. So…

    If a dog bites a kid, the owner gets put down. Simple as anything, and the recidivism rate is zero.

    Apply the same principle to dog shit on the street (owner should be flogged with a barbed wire wrapped newspaper), barking (owner’s mouth stuffed with scotch bonnet peppers and then a muzzle is applied so they can’t be spat out) and so on. I also think dog owners need to be neutered to render them docile.

  13. Vile says:

    I suggest a strict paraquat diet for both dogs and owners to cover all contingencies.

  14. Headache says:

    What’s the canine equivalent of misanthropy now?

  15. Vile says:

    Good sense?

  16. No Future says:

    Jeez Hemmers, You hate kids, you hate dogs with a furious vengeance, don’t tell us you’re a cat owner?

  17. Tiu Fu Fong says:

    I’d post a longer message, but I have to go home to walk my two dogs so they can crap on your doorsteps. The rottweiler has been a little unwell lately and his stools are quite loose. Better out than in, I guess. Toodles!

  18. Real Cat Player says:

    Cats yeah !

    All they do is eat, sleep, purr, and shit /pee politely and cleanly in the litter tray.

    Less trouble than babies even

    They don’t even make any noise or smell when wet.

    Ideal pets for HK-ers

    Down with dogs ( at least in HK, where, to be frank, keeping dogs does NOT make sense )

    PS : I do love dogs, but really – it makes no sense in HK to keep dogs

  19. Sir Crispin says:

    1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

    2. They rarely listen to you.

    3. They’re totally unpredictable.

    4. They whine when they are not happy.

    5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

    8. They’re moody.

    9. They leave their hair everywhere.

    10. They drive you nuts.

    Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

  20. Old Timer says:

    Dogs guard our children, rescue our lost, guide our blind, lead our bomb disposal teams, and are loyal friends. You can’t really blame them for needing to take a dump now and then.

  21. Real Cat Player says:

    @ Sir Crispin

    What you write is a very nasty slur on cats

  22. delboy says:

    Damn! I’ve had no reason to comment on this post until this bloody great Airdale Terrier turned up on my doorstep this morning. Looks abandoned and un-wanted.

    Where do I buy paraquat?

    Or any taker for one large, smelly, black mutt? Apparently dogs are real chick magnet in this town……or is that all chicks are dogs?

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