The mood on the Mid-Levels Escalator this morning is one of bitter disappointment, as Hong Kong’s hard-working taxpayers flick through their free newspapers and learn that yet another government minister, Health Secretary Ko Wing-man, has been discovered with an illegal structure at his home. The anti-social criminal-bastard-fiend has a Hello Kitty toilet paper holder attached to the wall of a bathroom. No such fixture appears in the original architect’s plan authorized by the Buildings Department.
Ms Chan the marketing manager holds up the felon’s photo. “You can tell he’s a psychopath – just look at those eyes. Why on earth did CY Leung even think of hiring him?”
Mr Wong the banker shares her alarm. “I bet you he’s got a trellis hidden somewhere. God, I really hate people with those.” He looks at me and Ms Chan. “Do you have any idea what they do with them?”
We admit that we don’t know – not sure that we want to, either.
“They grow plants on them.”
Ewww. I screw up my face in disgust, and Ms Chan gasps. “No! That’s revolting. These people are absolutely sick. What’s happening to this city?”
As we glide down the world’s most ingenious public transport system closer towards the heart of Asia’s throbbing international financial hub, we notice a scuffle on the street below. Amid streaks of pepper spray, a group of police are dragging a driver from a small white van. Mr Wong nods approvingly. “Ah! He’s been caught with a suction cup holder stuck on the dashboard. There’s a big clampdown on them – quite right too. I mean you can’t have people adding things to their property just like that.”
From top government officials to lowly deliverymen, civilized society is breaking down all around us. Meanwhile, in a distant jungle, the Big Lychee’s most famous son dangles from a helicopter aiming expert and deadly kung-fu kicks at other abominable evildoers. Our only hope. Who else can save us from the erectors of car-port roofs, the installers of glass frames and the unspeakable trellis beasts, but Jackie ‘Chinese people need to be controlled’ Chan?