She couldn’t just go shoplifting or something?

The last Hemlock Time Out epic, sticking its neck out on Hong Kong’s next Chief Executive, suggested that Henry Tang would have to be unexpectedly mauled to death by a panda bear at Ocean Park not to get the job. It’s still not quite at that stage, but Henry’s presentation of his illegal basement woes as essentially his wife’s fault is leading some of the weaker-stomached in our midst – like the South China Morning Post’s leader-writer – to demand the man pull out from the pre-determined quasi-race.

So Hong Kong watches in fascination as a teary-eyed Lisa Kuo explains that she just wanted to help her family, while Henry hints that the marriage was under strain at the time – an allusion to the extramarital difficulties that required her to go through the same weepy-but-forgiving act on TV in October. Distraught, and betrayed by a philandering husband, we can surmise, she lost control of her senses and ordered a 2,000-square foot basement. One of the side-effects of the rigged nature of the 1,200-strong Election Committee designed to ‘elect’ Beijing’s choice of CE is that it is (roughly, I would guess) 80% male. Which is probably just as well; ex-Security Secretary Regina Ip, for one, won’t be voting for Henry. (An interesting question about the Big Lychee’s large sisterhood of wronged tycoons’ women: why do they put up with it all?)

Beijing must be slapping a few wrists to silence grumblers and phoning Kowloon Tong (ground floor extension) to say this is the last chance: next time we let An An and Jia Jia off the leash.

The new Hemlock Time Out epic, on our highly popular tycoons, was delayed for a couple of days while an alternative epic-free version of the issue hit the streets and then vanished again. Finally, the correct version is out. We will probably never know what was going on, though I did hear some whispering of the word ‘pulp’. The ones in my local 7-Eleven had a Lady Gaga ad strategically pasted on the cover in such a way as to minimize distress to any passing octogenarian billionaires. If I were paranoid and liked to rant about self-censorship, I would wonder whether every copy has been given this fig-leaf treatment.

I discovered that the Lady Gaga ad is glued on right at the very edge, so you can easily flip it round and replace the magazine on the shelf, enabling the whole world to appreciate the message in its succinct and unambiguous entirety. Something to do on the way home this afternoon.

I’d love to take credit for this cover, but it’s the work of the Time Out folk. Very clever design – note the underlining of the two words, which both breaks the headline up (making it easier to read), and accentuates the key elements of the subject: them and you. No sign, sadly, of the feature online.

Also worth a look are this witty and topical poetic tribute to Samuel T Coleridge and this stunning time-lapse film of Hong Kong in an even bigger hurry than usual (watch the container terminal starting at 2.48 – so that’s what those things do). And with that, we can declare the weekend open.

 

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42 Responses to She couldn’t just go shoplifting or something?

  1. Henry says:

    “the Big Lychee’s large sisterhood of wronged tycoons’ women: why do they put up with it all?”

    It’s the money, stoopid……

  2. Wanchai Dreamer says:

    Well, Hong Kong always did have an obsession with illegal or misguided erections.

  3. Real Tax Payer says:

    EDITOR’S CORRECTION TO A COMMENT ON YESTERDAYS BIG LYCHEE

    The Editor of the The Big Lychee sincerely apologises for a typing error in yesterday’s Comments section.

    The comment should have read as follows:

    In Kowloon Tong did LISA KUO
    A stately cellar-home decree
    Where wine the sacred spirit ran
    From bottles measureless to man
    Said Henry Tang ” NOT ME! “

    __________________________

    POST SCRIPT:

    The real Editor of the Big Lychee denies all knowledge of the above correction . It never existed ( as did the cellar)

    _________________________

    The real REAL Editor of the Big Lychee confirms the above correction and also has this to say :

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Henry you’re screwed*
    ‘Cos Lisa screwed* you

    (* the original in the vernacular used an offensive F- word.)

    _______________________

    On a more serious note : I seriously ( and I do mean seriously) sympathise with Henry and Lisa’s ebbs and flows of married life. SH1T happens. This is nothing personal – just business, as the mafia say when they shoot someone.

    But I have known dozens of couples in HK who have been through similar – if not worse- marriage struggles, some of which they came through OK, but some they didn’t and they separated . But I have never known a single such couple to blatantly break the law, especially those who were in public office or high places ( ” the higher you fly, the harder you fall”). So, my sympathies with Lisa. But you, Henry, you total ***hole, you had it coming it coming it to you and deserve every bit of SH1T as it bounces off the fan and splatters all over your facile, stupid, “grinning” face

    So go home and get the good spanking from your parents that you rightly deserve, and stop degrading the CE – Selection any longer .

    Even Regina is a more worthy and intelligent person than you ( and at least she had the common decency to resign when she screwed up)

  4. Josef Fritzl says:

    If only I could have gotten the wife to carry the can.

    Somehow, the story won’t wash that the wife was building a 2000 square foot wine cellar and wine tasting jacuzzi pleasure nest without him knowing about it, especially as it was next door. Maybe the truth is that Tang was building a little nest for one of his mistresses and himself. Doing that next door to the wife is very economical and daring so I suppose he should get chutzpah credit for that. But getting the wife to come before the cameras and tell a lot of lies damns Tang for ever. He’s washed up. In his case, corked.

    Hurrah for the Hong Kong media and their power to bring people down.

  5. Sir Crispin says:

    Misguided erections? Sounds like any given night in Wan Chai.

  6. JABB says:

    Horse-face’s missus has one of the cute little noses that many Filipino females sport. Is it possibly he married his helper?

  7. Nit Picker says:

    Surely the headline (and story one hopes) should have been HOW tycoons take all our money. Everyone knows WHY greedy fat phuckfaces want more money. It’s because they are greedy fat phuckfaces.

  8. Mary Hinge says:

    Henry’s just been too cocky by half. In more ways than one.

  9. Walter De Havilland says:

    So let me summarise ….in 2007 Lisa decides to excavate an illegal cellar between two houses. We are now expected to believe that Henry is reluctant to raise the matter with her because his ‘horizontal folk dancing’ has caused some friction at home. Further, he decides not to raise the issue with her for the next four years, including when the CE asks all officials to check for illegal structures.

    And this man wants to run Hong Kong. I suspect the boys in Beijing are working on options that don’t include Henry because the man has no credibility, no integrity and in no way can he lead Hong Kong. Meanwhile, Regina is waiting in the wings.

  10. maugrim says:

    These lyrics from Jamiroquai come to mind for some reason:

    I’m goin’ deeper underground
    There’s too much panic in this town
    I’m goin’ deeper underground
    There’s too much panic in this town

    I’m goin’ deeper underground
    Well, I got to go deeper
    Got to go much deeper yeah
    Ah, yeah, they’re gonna wreck it down, yeah

  11. groot oore says:

    You can just see Beijing with its head in its hands contemplating the Sophie’s Choice that lies ahead in a couple of weeks.

    “Waaaaaaaa Hong Kong, what you do?”

  12. FB3 says:

    I have been traveling this week & her indoors is not so happy with me because I missed a Valentines dinner.

    I am back next week , should I be concerned that she may have started on excavating a 2,000 sq ft pleasure nest without my knowledge.

    Any advice would be appreciated so I can console our neighbours down stairs given that we live on the top floor.

  13. Mary Hinge says:

    FB3 my advice is for you is NOT to use Tony Chan for doing the fung shui on the new basement. Not because his fung shui is ropey (although it is), but because he will have designs on your missus, [which is more than she might have lodged with the Buildings Department …]

  14. expat says:

    Mr WDH: I suspect the boys in Beijing are working on options that don’t include Henry because the man has no credibility, no integrity and in no way can he lead Hong Kong.

    Point taken, sir, but when have these shortcomings stopped them in the past?

  15. Real Tax Payer says:

    @ FB3 and Mary Hinge

    🙂 🙂 🙂

    It’s gonna be a fun weekend !

    This story has a long way to run yet

  16. Walter De Havilland says:

    Dear Mr. Expat, Point taken, Sir. But I was sort of hopeful that some lessons had sunk in. Anyway, I agree with RTP this has some way to run yet and I must say what was proving a dull event is suddenly entertaining.

  17. groot oore says:

    @ WDH Extremely entertaining. Who would have thought.

    Seeing as the long suffering Mrs Tang is doing all Henry’s heavy lifting anyway, maybe she should take over from him as CE candidate.

  18. Adrian says:

    For those of us currently living in exile from HK, and unable to buy Timeout HK, does anyone know if Hemlock’s Timeout Tycoon article will be published online? Even in a few weeks after the issue goes off sale?

  19. isomoliu says:

    The odds are on for a CE named Jasper.

  20. Revolution says:

    I see “Mary Ma” in the Standard had nothing to say about these events. Funny that.

  21. Aardvark says:

    What no one is talking about, and what is shocking, is that 90% of Hong Kong’s establishment (IE: Asshole venal ignorant money grasping tycoons) backed this guy.

    That tells me 3 things:

    1. They expected zero opposition, which was idiotic beyond belief.

    2. They can’t find a better lapdog, which will increasingly be the case.

    3. They can;t even protect their interests properly anymore.

    The party’s over, and THE PARTY is coming. See you later you greedy old farts, won’t miss you.

  22. Real Tax Payer says:

    @ Adrian

    I can scan a copy for you ( I also have a scanned copy of the ” “Warhol -like henry as HK’s next leader ” Time Out piece

    If you send your email to Hemmers he can pass to me privately.

  23. Sir Crispin says:

    How about we nominate Edison Chen for CE. At least then we know we’re gonna get screwed instead of just wondering when it’s going to happen.

  24. Jasper Gasper says:

    The latest news is that Jasper Pterodactyl Tsang Yok Sing is entering the race.

    Together with Regina Brontosaurus Ip.

    No, don’t laugh. We had that fun when Allen Lee went before the cameras to give his inimitable music hall act of awful taxi driver English.

    When the climate heats up, the dinosaurs and reptiles stir and scurry from their nests.

    This one will run and run…or probably slither and slither.

  25. Stephen says:

    “After due consideration and my desire to spend more time with my family I have decided to withdraw my candidacy for Chief Executive … ”

    Probably China are writing the above for him to be delivered soonest.

    Cheating on her and now getting her to take the blame – can’t see this marriage lasting much longer. What a venal and nasty cnut he is as well as having shite for brains …

  26. stuart says:

    Seems correct that the BJ boys are changing horses to one called Jasper mid-stream!?…. This one will run and run…er, and then fall.

  27. Incredulous says:

    Let’s hope she divorces him and takes him to the cleaners. How on earth has she allowed herself to be so totally and publicly humiliated by him is beyond me. I’m sure the lawyers are lining up right now!

  28. groot oore says:

    That that Time Out piece by Hemmers is enough to make Real Tax Payer blow his lid. Stone the crows!

  29. Real Tax Payer says:

    @ Stuart ( and others) Is Jasper the awful Tsang Yok Sing of BAD (sorry DAB) notoriety ?

    ___________________________

    @ Aardvark : I agree 100% . And assuming enery withdraws (and spends the rest of his life in the cellar with Lisa – what a fate …. he’ll need all the wine he can afford to buy) there will be a certain delicious pleasure at the enormous loss of face and credibility of those stooges who supported him, David (banker) Li, Joseph (kitchen mop hair) Yam , et al.

    Someone needs to print a special T-shirt saying : “I did NOT support Henry Tang !” which we can wear on July 1 for the march.

    And to think that enery is stoopid enough to think he could have gotten away with his pleasure palace secret for ever ! Because when – not if – it eventually came out , he would lose all credibility, whether elected to CE or not. So thank goodness it happened now rather than later. What an ass hole .

  30. Sen says:

    The SCMP after reviewing the biglychee of today came to the no brainer that the two featured pieces shou;d be made available to the great unwashed
    Hence the following FREE links!!!

    http://topics.scmp.com/news/hk-news-watch/article/It-was-my-wifes-idea-says-Tang

    http://topics.scmp.com/news/hk-news-watch/article/I-built-it-for-my-family-tearful-wife-says

    Henrey is scrooood!!!!

  31. Joe Blow says:

    If Jasper and Vagina are the alternatives, then I go for Henry.

  32. FB3 says:

    @RTP

    I like the idea of a T-Shirt but I think the slogan should be
    “I just want a comfy place for my family”

    I clicked the link above to see what Lisa Kuo Yu-chins quote about why she sent in the diggers.

    Given that 90% of Hong Kong families live in less than 700 Sq ft* is a prime example of the widening gap between the general population & the self appointed elite.

    *info source http://www.hkjournal.org/archive/2010_spring/1.htm

  33. Dark Knight says:

    you mean Vagina Ip Article 23 Broomhead hated by all HKG, resigned, ran away to USA, now returned Born Again ? and Jasper , would that be the one who is according to the chinese press , somewhat involved with Starry junior accountant Lee ? and Henry’s careful do not deviate from prepared speech on marital infidelity – did not mention the sex of the alleged partner – I wonder why ? and Ming Pao revealed today (it’s in the news so it must be true) that the basement was built at the same time as he house, not later – a diving wall was there for the inspection certification that was knocked through ater , it said. So he came out about the extra marital affair in 2011 – does that mean he was cheating from 2007 ? utter bollocks
    Who signs the cheques for the builder in a Chinese household whose major bankholder’s dad is worth 6.6 billion ? To the press dimwits :
    Offer a reward for the builder to come forward and reveal all.
    I am sure we would find Henry yet again speaks with forked incompetent tongue.

  34. Real Tax Payer says:

    @ Dark Knight

    Reckon you are right. There’s no way a basement that big could have been excavated after the house was built. There would have had do have been dumper trucks by the dozen outside the house for weeks to cart away the earth , not to mention workmen by the dozen all sitting around smoking fags . In fact I wonder if it’s even technically possible to excavate a basement that big without the floor falling down.

    Bottom line : there’s a lot more yet to come out about this, and I’m sure the press will dig it out very soon.

  35. Claw says:

    @ Walter d H

    “I suspect the boys in Beijing are working on options that don’t include Henry because the man has no credibility, no integrity and in no way can he lead Hong Kong”

    If he had any integrity he wouldn’t have been the Black Hair Dye Brigade’s candidate in the first place, otherwise you are spot on.

    @RTP

    Cable News tonight quoted a neeed for 350 dump trucks to remove the earth. Maybe Henry is a heavy sleeper and perhaps he was so busy serving the community that he wasn’t at home during working hours, so he didn’t notice the noise, mess and general kerfuffle. Not sure why he wouldn’t have noticed that there was no water in the pool for his daily laps, though.

  36. PropertyDeveloper says:

    @ Claw

    The back of an envelope will show that it’s only about 800 m3 (or 1600 if it’s two floors) – perhaps they were Lamma-style trucks? Or they were developers’ feet, which, as everyone knows, are bigger than normal people’s? Maybe the dirt went along the tunnel to the Embassy opposite, thence via the diplomatic bag to the Sha Tau Kok land fill? Or Tang’s punching bag is a big one?

    The Sun Tzus who have been progressively leaking the blueprints and the photo of the foundations would have been well advised to keep a couple of shells in reserve. So Tang’s comeback as CS may have to wait a few more months.

    I note with interest that the Lands Dept said that this case would be treated more leniently, because Mr and Mrs Chevalin tang-ee were employing professionals to handle it. That’s a relief: no more amateurish attempts then.

  37. Real Tax Payer says:

    As it’s the weekend and there no more exciting titbit news to feast on, and few will still be following this thread in any case( despite it’s almost record number of comments) I need to bare my own breast, bare my broad shoulders, show my backbone and make my own confession

    Hemmers mistakenly attributed my previous pathetic attempts at poetry as a take-off from the late Samuel Coleridge’s “Kubla Khan” .
    But that was not in fact the case, because I was blatanly plagiarising the far more famous poet : Enery “confess-as-late-as-possible and only-when-caught-out” Tangeridge.

    So at the risk of boring you, this is the poem that I plagiarised last week

    Solly – la 🙁

    ___________________________

    KUOBLA LI

    by Enery Tangeridge

    “Dedicated to my wife, whom
    I can happily blame for my
    every mistake in life”

    __________________________

    In Kowloon Tong did Kuobla Li
    A stately cellar-home decree
    Where wine, the sacred spirit, ran
    From wine-racks measureless to man,
    Said Enry Tang : “NOT ME! “

    So twice his house was underground !
    With pool and gym were girdled round
    And wine-racks shining bright with glass
    A Japan bath for Enry’s ass
    But Oh ! That deep dark chasm beckoned
    Down the path to non-selection
    With Sharp Daily he’d not reckoned
    Lost the Hong Kong C . E. – lection
    Now at night just wine to smother
    Lisa’s wailing for her lover.

    And from this chasm turmoil seething
    Hearing pants of Yip hard breathing
    A fountain of his fake confession
    “I didn’t do it ! ”cried the horse
    “It was my wife again, of course”
    Thus he holds to his obsession
    Enry Tang can do no wrong,
    “So give me my Bauhinia dong!”

    Huge fragments like rebounding hail
    The chaffy op-eds Enry flail
    And midst these cock-up rocks for ever
    Enry still dares swim the river.
    Five years of inane, witless motion
    As our government he ran
    Bringing poverty to man
    (save tycoons, whom Enry thank
    But Coleridge was not so frank
    As to write what we all know
    COLLUSION RUNS THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW)
    Till Hong Kong sinks into the ocean.

    And ‘mid this tumult , CY heard from afar
    Political voices prophesying war !

    The wretched plebs march and cry, in their despair
    They beg, they plead they wail for some cleaner air

    The shadow of the pleasure cellar
    Now floats upon the TV waves
    Where was once the wine-rack’s treasure
    And the gym and cellar’s caves.
    No DVD control device.
    Now doom and gloom in caves of ice

    A damsel with a dulcimer
    In a vision I once saw
    It was a pretty Hong Kong maid
    And on her dulcimer she played
    Songs of the sexy games she made
    With Enry next door at 5A
    Days of fun and nights of play;
    While Lisa now regrets her folly
    Says for Enry “solly , solly”

    Next time build UPWARDS in the air
    With sunny dome, no caves of ice.
    And all tycoons who went down there
    Colluding while with Enry dine
    Tasting, drinking Enry’s wine
    Should now cry out : Beware ! Beware !
    The B D’s strength is more than thrice
    The strength you think, so tycoons dread !
    As also (just) the rule of law
    Is more than greedy tycoons’ paw
    For he on honey-dew had fed
    Has now been spanked and sent to bed
    No longer in his Paradise

    🙁

    ___________________________

    WIKIPEDIA HENTRY ABOUT ENERY TANGERIDGE

    Throughout his adult life, Enery Tangeridge suffered from crippling bouts of anxiety and emotion, a delusion which – it has been speculated by 99 % of HK residents – was because he suffered from RKBD (Rich Kid Bipolar Disorder) , a disease which reached epidemic proportions in Hong Kong in the early 21st Century . Tangeridge also suffered from poor health that may have stemmed from a bout of rheumatic fever from too much living underground, and other childhood illnesses , including spanking of the bottom. He was treated for these concerns with money, more money and groveling faked adulation by cronies with BKBD, which fostered a lifelong addiction to lying and deception in public statements, causing constipation which required humiliating enemas by the press.

  38. Spud says:

    Come on there is no way they could have built that house without the extended basement being part of the plan from the beginning. Excuse the pun but this must be deeper than just the Tang family. Let’s hope the local press can dig a but more.

    Back in 2002 my neighbour on the G/F had a rectractable sun shade awning. He must have annoyed someone because he did have a court date and time set regarding this illegal structure.

  39. PropertyDeveloper says:

    You can dump hundreds of tons on pristine government-owned wetland with impunity, but be pursued for installing an aircon or planting a tiny kumquat bush — it all depends on the village chief’s say so.

  40. Wanchai Dreamer says:

    @RTP

    Can we please avoid any further references to the spanking of HT’s botty – the image is just too awful to contemplate.

  41. Real Tax Payer says:

    @ Wanchai Dreamer

    Wasn’t me ! “Twas the Enery himself, and Wikipedia

    😉

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