Who could possibly want one anyway?

Ocean Park feels a need to deny rumours that mainland women are trying to abduct western toddlers at the famous tourist attraction. Despite their image as inactive, over-eating wastrels who spend all their time lazing in nail spas and rescuing distressed pangolins, Hong Kong’s expatriate housewives emerge from this scare as caring and protective mothers. Or at least those currently on-line do; who knows about the ones who are, as we speak, scouring Chinese orphanages in search of a new accessory-baby?

As anyone who has had to escort a young blond child in Hong Kong will know, some Chinese people are besotted by little European-looking brats. Mainlanders – who have only ever seen the golden curls, round blue eyes and supposedly doll-like pale-pink skin in pictures – are especially prone to stare in wonder and even ask to take a photo. Indeed, this is probably the reason why Ocean Park is so popular among mainlanders: the panda bears are obviously no big deal, but where there are pandas, there will be cute, fair foreign infants to stare at and stroke.

Ideally, the next development would be widespread alarm that the blond infants are being kidnapped to order to have their eyes harvested for desperate Shanghai tycoons with glaucoma, or maybe to be kept as exotic pets by a Beijing equivalent of the late musical performer and eccentric Michael Jackson. But since, to all right-thinking people’s intense disappointment, common sense is rearing its head and the story is dying down, we instead need some rumours about who started the panic.

There must be a distinct possibility that the flap was started by Disney, possibly in the hope that an anti-mainlander backlash at Ocean Park – possibly a lynching or two by outraged western parents – will help attract the tourist yuan back to The Mouse. Or it could be a Google-CIA plot to damage China’s reputation ahead of the forthcoming clash-of-cultures trade war. Or is it the dastardly Swedes, inundated with swarthy immigrants, looking to replenish the national gene pool with more Nordic stock?

Aha! None of these. A Hong Kong government spokesman has just announced that the authorities have discovered the source of all the terror: sandstorms in North China.

Mainland kidnappers spiriting their little fair-haired victims away from Ocean Park into the swirling suspended particulates yesterday.

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9 Responses to Who could possibly want one anyway?

  1. oddsox says:

    A friend told me that mainlanders attempted to abduct an expat wife from her pilates class. Similar incidents have previously happened at the Repulse Bay spa. The management of both locations have shamefully denied a history of previous incidents. The latter attempt was only foiled when she started screaming when separated from her pinot grigio. What are they doing this for? To chain them the in karaoke sex dungeon of some libidinous Mainland cadre or to harvest the gin soaked cellulite? The horror! Please pass this on, you can never be too careful.

  2. Ben Ken Den Len says:

    I am all in favour of expat wives being abducted.

  3. Chanboy says:

    People can be so gullible these days.

  4. Jon Dica says:

    “Say, that reminds me, how’d you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a’ somethin’ went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, ‘Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?’ Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It’s a crazy world.”

  5. Harry Barry Gary Larry says:

    As an occasional visitor to Guangzhou, I have twice visited the market in the city where a small number of “low-demand” kidnapped kids are auctioned off (if my memory serves me right, it’s the second Tuesday of each month). Most pinkish brats snatched in HK are quickly bought-up and find immediate “gainful employment” (!!!) with their new owners. However, in their haste to grab a young Johnny/Jessica, the gangs sometimes end up with a fattish grunty one (a “pig-child”). Such tubby tuckers are often hard to spank-on, principally because the perceived future food bill does not go down too well with most mainlanders. Also, what’s the fun in owning a fat kid? When they are not scoffing, they spend most of their time slumped in a chair playing on their NDSs.

    I’ve not yet managed to find out what happens to the unsellable fatties . If anyone out there has an answer perhaps they could fill me in.

  6. Sam says:

    The unsellable fatties grow up to be couch potatoes who spend endless hours submitting inane comments to blogs.

  7. notaeuropean says:

    awesome post!! And actually quite humane and smart. Respect.

    I dont always agree with the “politics” of this blog but I have to say it is damn smart and admirable, and fall down funny sometimes. And you lot are great on the inanities of the pan-democrats.

  8. Gweilo says:

    Oh no, it’s not just cute little blonde kids that get stroked and admired by elder Chinese women. I was at the Peak last weekend and my mutt child became an object of adoration by two Mainland ladies. They rather forcefully grabbed him and pulled him on his lap so that they can have a memorable holiday picture: “look what I found in Hong Kong – it’s a cute, adorable little Chinese boy that looks like a white kid all at the same time”. Come on, how naive are you?
    What better way to test a child’s angst of strangers (will it scream or be shy when approached by strangers), and get a picture of the object of adoration all at the same time. This could be very useful reference for a targeted and timed abduction by a team of professionals at some point in the future.
    Kids get abducted all the time! Sometimes they get handed from one disgusting, child fetish group to the next for years on end! Sometimes they get ‘adopted’ by some unknowing parent, half-way across the world. Either way, it’s top $$ for the handlers all the way.
    I’ve been approached many times in China by complete strangers who want to take pictures of me. And frankly I don’t care and endured the annoyance. But I’m certainly very sceptic when complete strangers take pictures of my child, no matter how genuine they make act.
    Call me a paranoid freak, but it’s a cruel world out there, whether you like it or not. But that’s probably something you web-surfing, blog-wasting, couch potatoes don’t want to realize.

  9. Tiu Fu Fong says:

    I wholeheartedly support the “politics” of this blog.

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