Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more stupid…

When Financial Secretary John Tsang recently penned the immortal words, “he milked cows, probably many cows,” he seemed on the face of it to be engaging in a fascinating attempt to find new, hitherto unimagined uses for Glen Miller’s birthday. However, could his tormented subconscious in fact have been talking about himself?

If I had been given the task of managing the creation and delivery of the 2011-12 Budget, and I secretly wanted to make the government look like incompetent idiots, I would have asked Tsang to follow this script:

Early 2010 Warn that the government is likely to see a HK$25 billion deficit for 2010.

Late 2010 Proclaim through speeches, wacky TV commercials and glossy booklets that you are commencing an important public consultation on the February budget and want to obtain people’s views on what should be in it.

Late 2010-Early 2011 Receive numerous proposals, like: use some of the government’s excess fiscal reserves to phase out old buses to help clean the air; reform the tax system to produce less volatile and more predictable revenue streams; improve health care provision; consider a better pension system for the elderly.

10 seconds later Chuck the whole lot in the bin unread, being a Hong Kong Civil Servant, and therefore far too intelligent and wise to have to care what the rabble might think.

Meanwhile, back at Central Market, as the sun sets over the tree-lined Sargasso Sea, a friendly giraffe strolls onto the scene…

Next day Declare that the government is now expecting a HK$71 billion surplus – a deviation of a mere HK$96 billion from the forecast amount.

Feb 23 2011 Deliver a budget with the same lame and tired one-off handouts, cynically calculated to make various sectors love the government for its generosity, with much of it going into inaccessible retirement accounts; stash the rest of the surplus away on spurious grounds about not encouraging inflation.

Feb 24-27 2011 Act all uppity when people complain about yet another budget that ignores long-term problems; ‘Tsang stands firm on budget’.

Next day Panic when even some pro-government lawmakers (though not the strictly loyal Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of HK) threaten not to vote for the budget.

Mar 1  2011 Announce that you will change your mind, “to benefit … those currently not being given anything” (as a trendy teacher awarding prizes to everyone in the class to boost kids’ self-esteem might have put it).

Mar 2 2011 Announce a range of concessions and U-turns that shower the whole surplus on the public, including a double handout of HK$12,000 in cash and tax rebates for those who least need it. Put on a brave face as colleagues, friendly media and even Beijing wet themselves about political hooliganism in the hope of diverting attention from the fact that you have made yourself look like a total ass.

This coming weekend Imagine the anguish you or your successors will have trying to wean Hongkongers off their annual HK$6,000 (-plus) handout in future. Draft a resignation speech apologizing for wasting so much of Hong Kong’s time, space and oxygen. Mention that for years now, Financial Secretaries have made wildly wrong budget forecasts, blamed the fiscal system’s reliance on land-based revenues and yet done nothing about it. Say that this is your key failure. Go on to say that, as a result, the government has been mindlessly sucking money out of the economy as if its aim were to make a commercial profit, while ignoring the city’s long-term social, environmental and economic needs. Admit that the short-term ‘hand-out’ mentality of the budget-making process is evidence of a bankrupt political system in which the leadership has no guiding principles or long-term vision. Make a plea for sympathy by pointing out that this is the way Beijing seems to want it. Taking a sip of jasmine tea, add a wry comment about the number of times – going back to Tung Chee-hwa – the people have pushed the ‘executive-led’ government around. Vanish from public sight and retire to whatever Canadian suburb your kids live in.

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17 Responses to Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more stupid…

  1. Maugrim says:

    A sadly apt summary. This quote from today’s Standard says it all “Hong Kong people are pragmatic and forgiving if they become beneficiaries.” Myself, I feel lousy getting $12000 I dont need per se when such an amount could make a real difference to others within the community. Tsang has set a precedent its going to be hard to break, especially given the frequent instant backflips that are beginning to occur every time a protest is planned.

  2. darovia says:

    There can be no doubt that the civil servants ‘morale’ had as much to do with this humiliating climb down as the legislator’s threat. Their own bloated pension funds would not have benefitted from the MPF handout, and heaven forbid that the serfs for whom they do favours should be entitled to something that they can’t also receive; hence their whingeing. Perhaps we could allow them a few more of our benefits, such as job insecurity and paying for our own air conditioning.

  3. Sir Crispin says:

    Some days I really feel like curling into the fetal position and crying.

  4. mumphLT says:

    Excellently put but you could have just written ‘They screwed it up yet again.’

  5. Stephen Vines says:

    I have the same feeling when I read Maugrim posts.

  6. Longtimenosee says:

    Time for the Lebron James apology technique as parodied by South Park?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdtejCR413c

    Next Gov advert? Just imagine the FS in the same role, and voilá

  7. Stephen says:

    So now the middle classes are temporarily appeased. We have to thank our pro-government lawmakers for reminding John ‘Tom Selleck’ Tsang that the eternal reign of the CCP is paramount. This means harmony and business is usual with the same old tired tycoon’s screwing us and the politically inept ‘governing’ us. Roll on Henry the Horse and more of the same.

  8. Mike Giggler says:

    Any government that paints giraffes on walls can’t be all bad.

  9. mumphLT says:

    On the news last night it summed it up really – interviews with people..

    ‘How will you spend your 6000?’

    ‘Spend it in LKF.’
    ‘Holiday – in Taiwan!’
    ‘Deposit for diamond earrings.’

    ‘HK$6000 is more than I make collecting waste cardboard all year.’

    Sort it out Tsang you phuqwitted waste of air.

  10. Lady Marmalade says:

    HC AIN’T TALKIN TO YOU NO MORE.

    Hong Konkies dey love handouts. So much betta dan rights you has to fight and die for.

    I reckons nowadays six tousan only get you five blows at my little corner of Hemlock’s favourite pick up joint in Wanchai.

  11. Jack Russell says:

    I’ll be putting my $6,000 aside for a cigarette fund for the next year. Thanks John.

  12. stanley says:

    George, this is a new low even for you. Get a grip ffs!

  13. gunlaw says:

    The purpose of the fake giraffe is to hammer it through tourists’ armour-plated skulls that that noise is not the bongos, this isn’t Africa and that’s a lion dance. Got it?

  14. Prisoner says:

    Do permanent residents who are currently in jail qualify? Crime does pay after all!

  15. Sa-Sa Charles says:

    Prisoner – I do hope so as my former shopping companion, Nancy K., would greatly welcome an injection of cash to her ciggy fund.

  16. Ho! Ho! Ho! says:

    As a recipient if this becomes an annual handout it’ll be a better payout than MPF when I retire!

  17. Tiu Fu Fong says:

    Does anyone know if maids get the handout?

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