Update from Hemlock

The mood on the Mid-Levels Escalator this morning is one of celebration as news spreads of the return of A-Hing, the Bowen Road Dog Poisoner.

Mostly. There are one or two mournful looks among some of the more pasty-faced female commuters. Not that they would bring their pets onto this wondrous mass transit system – no-one has done that since the tragic accident with the Chihuahua in the fake Louis Vuitton handbag and the 30-foot drop onto Hollywood Road into the path of the Number 26 bus. (People still go on about it. Has the animal nipped anyone’s fingers since then? I think not.)

For 99% of us, the return of the infamous Mid-Levels Dog Strangler is a cause for rejoicing. The importance of the mild-mannered A-Hing’s contribution to society is impossible  to overestimate, yet it is hard to pin down exactly what drives him. Tony Blair, in his recent debate in Toronto with Christopher Hitchens, claimed that religion was a force for good because it inspired some people to serve their fellow man to a greater extent than would otherwise be the case. Yet few folks are more selfless than A-Hing, who is not a man of faith. To him, it is simply the Right Thing to Do. I offered to put his name forward for a Silver Bauhinia Star, but he would have none of it.

To A-Hing, the incessant barking and yapping that makes life a misery for thousands upon thousands of innocent people, day and night, throughout our densely populated community is cause enough to dispatch the furry fiends. The right to sleep and a bit of quiet comes first. Then, he adds, you consider the excrement on the sidewalks, and the flies and diseases it creates. Then there is the physical fear the beasts cause among young children traumatized by the sight of bare fangs and dripping, rancid saliva inches away from them. There are the actual bites, and in extreme cases, infants savaged to death. It is immoral and anti-human not to eliminate the animals, says A-Hing – and unlike many of us, he actually does something about it.

What about the disgusting smell the creatures give off when wet? I have asked him. And that perverted habit of jabbing their disgusting damp noses against your crotch? And the bottom sniffing thing? A-Hing laughs these off as eccentricities; he is a tolerant type. But dogs don’t belong in town, except on a plate.

Meanwhile, the dog-worshiping cult is up in arms. As always when reminded of the mortality of mutts, they complain that our law enforcement agencies are not doing enough. This time the self-centred anthropomorphs are demanding:

  • Round-the-clock stationing of the entire Police Tactical Unit on Bowen Road for the next five years, with helicopters and night vision equipment
  • Personal armed bodyguards to accompany each pet taken for walks anywhere in the  Kennedy Road/Peak area
  • Inclusion if the word ‘excruciating’ in every sentence (rather than paragraph) in all South China Morning Post reports of doggy-demise
  • Canine emergency resuscitation units offering CPR, Heimlich manoeuvre, oxygen, mustard foot baths, etc for all breeds at 50-yard intervals throughout the threatened neighbourhood
  • All middle-aged Chinese males of modest net-worth appearance to be arrested and sent off to concentration camps in cattle trucks, to protect the more sacred life-form

As Hong Kong’s hard-working and resourceful middle class glides down the hill towards the central business district, some of us wonder whether a different method of dog eradication  might calm down the agitated pet lovers as the vital process of pest removal continues. Mrs Chan the marketing manager suggests electrocution, while Mr Ng the banker proposes hanging. Visions of the garrotte flash though my mind, but I think better of it.

“I can only quote the great Dorothy Parker,” I tell my friends…

“Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful

You might as well poison the curs with Carbofuran.”

What do you mean, you don't want me to grind my mucus-laden snout into your genitals - you one of those sicko anti-dog perverts or something?

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11 Responses to Update from Hemlock

  1. Pooch says:

    Gandhi said he judged countries by how well they treated animals. I hate furry baby maniacs but on balance I think it’s beter to have animal lovers than rabid intolerant reactionary people like you.

  2. bk says:

    Some bait laid in Upper Albert Rd to get rid of the weasels and ducks would be nice

  3. Dog Lover says:

    Happy days are here again …Ghandi didnt have to walk thru piles of dog crap, have his kids scared, his pavement soiled, his sleep disturbed and the fragrant aroma of dog urine perfuming every lamp post and doorway in his street.

  4. Emile Zola says:

    The HK Country Club has recently spread dog poison throughout its premises to prevent wine-thieving, dog-loving French people from darkening their door. Did A-Hing have something to do with that? I’ve also noticed that you never see A-Hing and Gabriel Azedo in the same room at the same time. Are they, by any chance, related? I think we should be told.

  5. Stephen says:

    Nothing about this in the Sub-Standard ! As you usual they are too busy a*se licking the tycoons. Today Thomas “wiggy” Kwok is set to raise salaries at SHKP because of higher inflation – Cheers Tom.

  6. Todd says:

    A-Hing should bring the dogs to Kam Shan Country Park, and let them fight the monkeys there. It would be fun to watch.

  7. Gerald Simmonds says:

    But Gandhi must have walked thru piles of human crap, had his pavement soiled by human urine and noticed the fragrant aroma of his fellow humans’piss perfuming most doorways in his street, if not every lampost – at least, if a recent visit to Delhi was anything to go by…..

  8. Mike Hunt says:

    It’s hotpot season again.

    Better keep Pluto on the leash, folks !

  9. Tiu Fu Fong says:

    As a dog-owner, I think A-Hing is doing HK a favour. If Bowen was a tacit leash-free zone, it would be crawling with dogs and not really as family/jogger friendly as it currently is. Most dogs I know are gentle and not aggressive, but non-dog owners and kids don’t know this and it’s not fair for them to be scared off. Plus the crotch sniffing thing.

    There are plenty of other places you can take your dog leash free with a little bit more effort (hiking paths, Old Peak Road to the Peak, Cyberport Park).

    My wife takes our dog jogging on Bowen on weekends and keeps him leashed. It keeps him out of trouble and her Canto-paranoia channelled into something less annoying than whether she got ripped off on some trivial purchase because she could have bought it for HK$5-10 less if she’d taken a HK$10-20 MTR and bus ride to somewhere many suburbs away.

  10. Hooch says:

    “Gandhi said he judged countries by how well they treated animals.”

    He did? Let’s move along to the Caste system, what does that tell us?

  11. Rene Magritte says:

    Ah, Belgium, my homeland. “Where they treat the dogs like people, and the people like dogs.”

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