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· You think Emily Lau has something different to rant about this week and actually get two paragraphs into her column before coming to your senses.

· You read the column on stock tips without wondering why the writer doesn’t keep his inside info to himself and make a mint.

· You remember how The World of Lily Wong carried on for ages after it stopped being funny, and wonder why Spice Trader hasn’t suffered the same fate.

· You actually care about what Harry Rolnick thought about the Philharmonic’s performance last Saturday, even though you were/weren’t there, and thus have no need to know.

· You think Tsang Yok Sing has something different to rant about this week and actually get two paragraphs into his column before coming to your senses.

· You start wondering what Margaret Ng might be like in bed.

· You read a letter from Elsie Tu without wondering why she wasn’t taken on a one-way trip to the (R)SPCA years ago.

· You think Kevin Sinclair has a different Vietnamese claret to rant about this week and actually get two paragraphs into his column before coming to your senses.

· You find yourself spending 2.06 seconds of your precious life looking at a photo of socialite Dinky Ho, socialite Daisy Ma and hotel manager Erhard Shickelgruber at the launch of Audemar Piglet’s new range of platinum cigarette lighters.

· You no longer find it irritating to have to convert weirdly precise metric measurements (“71.0663 decimetres”) back into plain English (“1 foot”) in stories lifted from British and American newspapers.

· You start thinking it’s perfectly normal for the business section to have a special edition on private banking every 12 weeks - with exactly the same paid-for articles each time.

· You think you have something different to rant about this week and actually get two paragraphs into your letter to the editor before coming to your senses.

· You wet yourself laughing after reading - for the seventh time this year - that there’s a restaurant in some third world backwater in Southeast Asia offering “Steamed Crap” (sic) on its menu. Or was that the Far Eastern Economic Review?

· You buy both the Post and cat litter.