Diary entries - 7
Not the South China Morning Post

Dear Gentle Readers,

Patsy goes on holiday this week to one of those gay traditional summer holidays, a place that most all like minded fabulous people have either been to , wish they had been to, about to go to, have heard all their friends talk about or something that you would never wish to do in your life.    

There is a lot of planning that goes into preparing for one of these holidays as I have just found out.    Firstly there is the question of the destination and the friends who you wish to go there with.   Of course, get two or more Queens (or Princesses) to decide on anything is more than your columnist can stand, so with good tact I decided for all, Yes I decried �we are off to ��.. to do ��. �  Yes, gentle readers, Patsy can be a real bitch when push comes to shove, besides which I always wanted to go to ��..

Secondly, you have to know which dates you�re going on holiday so that you can get your body into absolutely fabulous shape.   Also one has to decide if to have a full wax or half wax job on the body, should I have the crack done as well ?

Thirdly, where to stay?    Well us gays are particularly lucky in that sense, we have our own international hotel, bar, club, cruising and shopping guide all wrapped up in one simple book, you know the one.       As a matter of interest, a sure way of determining if that drop dead gorgeous man is a member of the family or not is to engage him in conversation and lead the conversation  around to literary works and ask � Hmm, have you read one of my favourite books - Spartacus ?�    That flushes them out !       Then of course we then can check out the latest hotel listings on the Internet and in fact Patsy has booked and paid for the hotel rooms over the Internet, aren�t we spoilt ?    Absolutely Fabulous .

Of course the hotel must be gay owned and run.   I mean to say if you stay in naff heterosexual hotels they expect you to be up for breakfast before 9.30 !   Good god, most of us are still trying to get home form the previous nights bit of trades place at that time in the late evening !!!!   No, gay hoteliers understand the needs of poofs on holiday and don�t start their breakfast settings before 10am and finish at 1pm.     Far more sensible.   The hotel must have such facilities as pool, even thought the beach is at the pools edge,  a sauna - just in case you didn�t get a trick in the sand dunes, a restaurant - why I can never understand as that is the last place which queens will ever dine at,  colour TV - what the hell for ?, mini bar - a definite must - bringing home trade and not being able to offer a little aperitif is a social no no.

Next, what does one pack ?     Fabulous Darlings; what an excuse to visit Harvey Nics, Harrods, Versace, Zegna and the like.   Yes, Patsy has been spending large in this town in the past 8 weeks planning this little holiday, buying clothes that are so garish that I�ll only have the guts to wear them once, and that is on this holiday.   One little item that I am particularly pleased with is the tanga ( bum floss swim suit ), a lovely little bright red number, very dashing with my ginger pubis, no one would guess that I�m a German.

Oh, talking of Germans, aren�t they such fabulous people on holidays, so friendly, so hospitable, so well hung, such good sense of humour, such good �., such  everything hmmmmmmm    happy memories !
I digress.    Packing, oh what a task.   You have to get the Philippine maid to have all your clothes particularly well ironed, folded and ready at least a week in advance, why only  god  can determine; get to your hotel and they�re all creased so you spend the first night in the hotel ironing the bloody things all over again - ah - that�s what the TV is for !!!!!!

Toiletries, well which cute little bottles does one take, which smell will go down well in �.. this year ?    Better take just 6 fragrances otherwise you�ll be over the weight limit on the plane.   Condoms; yes well which brand ?  If I take 3  for each day is that being too optimistic, or shit ; I paid all this money for this holiday, no better make it 6 per day.  Good god, if I need 6 condoms I�d better buy another tube of KY, well you never know if you can buy these things in �

Don�t forget to write out all the bars, clubs, restaurants, beaches and cruising areas on a single piece of paper from Spartacus as you really don�t want to lug around that hefty volume half way around the world.

Substances, oh what a dilemma, well I�ll leave that to all you little boppers to decide.

At the airport I mustn�t forget to get 3 litres of gin, such  planning,  OOPS  must dash and buy a air ticket!!!

Lots of love, keep it up and keep safe - I know that I will !